Learning to Live

I grew up strict pentecostal.  I did not wear pants until I was about twenty two.  I did not wear makeup until I was eighteen.  I listened to only Christian music and most days, I went to church.  I became a member of a subset of Christianity that was a secluded group all of it's own.  We perceived ourselves to be the only church that one can go to and we did not fellowship outside of our churches.  I lost relevance with my peers and gave this church everything.  In my twenties, I broke away from this church and found that life was so much bigger than that.  I became more sophisticated.  I learned that secular music was not all bad and christian music was not all good.  I learned how to go to the movies.  I learned how to dance and I wore lipstick.  It was not until I was able to see that I am not all spirit, but that I am body, soul and spirit, that I began to grow as a person.  It was not until I broke from the traditional path, that I understood a basic balance issue.  God only required of Israel, ten percent of their income.  For the Levites, who served all day long, they were relieved from the menial task of working because they lived from the tithe.  Levites were chosen to give all of their lives, the others came in and out of worship and gave only a tithe.  The rest of their lives, they married, they gave in marriage, the planted gardens and they ate from them.  They drank wine at weddings and they mourned at the passing of loved ones.  They lived their lives.  When I emerged from such a restricted place, I did not know how to live.  Thank God I have a better balance now, then I did then.  Being in a place where no one else is right but you, you have set rules to follow and it excludes those who don't follow the rules is the basic setup of a cult.  A place where everything you do is related to them.  Thank God for balance.
     Going forward, this life I used to live, made me uncomfortable as a human being.  I was told that God would send you a husband and never learned the art of dating.  I was discouraged from dating to simply sit and wait on God.  Well, I sat and I waited.  I am now passing a milestone in age and I am still waiting.  The religion made me uncomfortable with being a woman and expressing my femininity.  I suppressed the sensual part of me that longed to run barefoot through the tulips and then perhaps maybe, I would fall in love.  Falling in love is now impossible for me without help from on high.  I had to learn to become comfortable with my own sensuality that was forbidden to ooze out in a song, or even a dance.  I became hard and unmoving, unyielding and rigid.  I was for sure God had more in store for me than this.
     My salvation came at a time when the pastor did not know my name, most of the church did not know my name and somehow that worked.  The freedom to have a cocktail at a wedding and to dance all night long was finally available to me.   I could explore different ways to display what was suppressed.  I could take a long walk in a short dress and a flower in my hair.  I could listen to Barbara Streisand all day long and I could talk on the phone with a man and just have a great conversation.  The balance of being able to figure life out on my own just like the rest of my peers.  No not me, I kept myself for marriage only for the guys in the church to marry women with two and three kids.  Now, nothing and no one will keep me from living the life I want to live.  I am so glad that I found it worth the living.