An Old Problem

When I was young I remember things that I would rather forget.  One of those things was a period of time when I began to pull out my hair.  My family had gone through significant trauma and most of the responsibility rest upon me.  I soldiered it like a soldier but it took it's toll.  I bit my nails down to the quick, and I began to pull out hair on the left side of my head.  I had a noticeable bald spot. I slept or went to bed as early as I could but laying awake I always relived my own victimization.  At the age of 15 I began to pack on the weight.  By the time I was out of High School, I weighed 200 pounds.  While in college, I ballooned to the weight of 275 and stayed there for most of my twenties and thirties.  Every evening at around 8:00pm, I went into a period of sadness.  I combatted these things with music and finding something to do but when I prayed I had to watch myself because my prayers in the evening were always negative.  I blamed God for where I was in my life.  I questioned God about why I had to live the life I had to live.  In the morning, it was alright.  Then as I moved into my forties, my night terrors moved into the day.  I began to be anxious about negative things all day long.  I began to be negative.  The only thing that helped was secular music.  Christian music only reminded me that I God had forsaken me.  One day, the perfect storm was hatched for me.  I experienced sickness that sparked me to grieve for my family again.  Then I became anxious like I was as a child, waiting to the next disaster to take place.  My doctor asked if I needed a pill and I rebuked him.  It took a month, but I started the pill.  It has been three days and there has been a difference.  For once in my life, I can stop forboding at least for now.