Loss

My first experience with loss was before I was born.  I was born in the shadow of a woman that I never really met.  She was my grandmother who met her untimely death by a bullet to the lungs.  My mother cried for her as an adult.  That shadow was cast over our whole family.  Death stayed it's hand until I was twenty years old.  I dropped my mother off at the hospital for a dialysis treatment.  She went into cardiac arrest and was on life support when I saw her last.  Six months later while I was still twenty, my grandfather had a heart attack.  When I was twenty five, my mothers only sister fell and hit her head causing her death at the age of thirty seven.  I thought death was done, but Christmas 1999, I received a call that my father's lungs had collapsed.  He died exactly two weeks later.  Having just two brothers that were in contact with me, I was big sister and mother.  I was just becoming reacquainted with my brother when he refused treatment for an illness and died at the age of twenty-seven.  Then finally, after recovering from the swine flu, I received a call about my last relative in my nuclear family.  He had a seizure in his sleep.  With all of that you may think that I would not want to ever get close to anything again.  Well, you are right.  A certain type of re activeness comes when death is always around the corner.  I have half felt that all it takes is one good swift kick and I am out of the door as well.  I am so glad that I can hope against hope.  You simpy learn how to live with the life you have.  How can you fix a life that has been damaged so much that it will never be the same.  Comforting words are no comfort when they are said from the cozy nest of their own families.  With no one to talk to but God, I talked to God.  He really is the only thing left and the only way that I can move on with so much amputated.  Re activeness is the refusal to lose anything else, but without the risk of losing something, you will never gain anything.  Yes, I fear the limb, but a risk means getting out on it anyway.  How can God bless you with something else, if you keep hanging onto the something that you lost.  In this sense, we have to let go.  If not, you will always be walking away from something that may in the end, be a blessing.  Who wants to walk away from a blessing?  Who wants to walk away from elevation?  Who wants to walk away from love?

Walk Away from Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdzjAroUSRg